Love, Anger, Confusion: Who Really Has My Heart? HN Blog
Hard as Nails Ministries
Love, Anger, Confusion: Who Really Has My Heart?

Love, Anger, Confusion: Who Really Has My Heart?

By:  Mission Team May 26, 2021

My heart just exploded. This has to be the worst letter I’ve ever read. I burst into tears as soon as my eyes fell on those words, and I never thought I’d hear them from her. I was fighting back tears as I read the whole thing. 

I made it through the first paragraph, where she told me she was so thankful for me. Struggled through the next two where she proceeded to say how she missed me so much, but she thought I was becoming the man she always knew I was supposed to be. Ok my heart broke a little at that. But then finally the last sentence came, “You amaze me how you have no fear”. I clenched my teeth. I wasn’t gonna do it. I swore to myself I’d stop crying over her. But then I saw the last two words: “Love ******”. Ok...ouch...The tears began to flow.

To be completely authentic I hate that word, “love”, because when I see it, I don’t think about happiness. I don’t think about running down the beach laughing with her. I don’t think about the first kiss. I don’t think about asking her to marry me.

I think about what that stupid word has done to me in the past, what it’s caused to me… pain. The pain of lying on the floor of my room crying all alone. The pain of feeling unlovable. The pain of hating myself. The pain of feeling empty.

 My parents would throw it around all the time. “By! Drive safe honey! I love you”, “Goodnight! I love you!” But it was different. The word lost meaning completely (or so I thought) when I said it to someone that I really thought I loved. Except they didn’t feel the same. They wouldn’t say it back. Because when they would say the word, they would mean it.

Years later, they finally said it to me, but it caused the opposite reaction. Instead of happiness or excitement, I felt confusion and hatred toward myself. Why now? I thought I moved on. Why me? I thought they moved on. What am I supposed to even say to that?


As I reflect on my relationship with her, I continue to cry because I remember the feeling of how I felt so used, led on, and manipulated. Except now I realize something. She wasn’t using me for my love and attention. I was using her. I wanted to feel that word so bad. I was using her to try to fill a gaping void she never would have been able to fulfill. She could never come close.


I was really confused because these tears in my eyes right now aren’t because of a broken heart, but because of one that has been healed. A heart that no longer belongs to this world and to people that could never fulfill me. My heart belongs to our Lord’s. And I’m crying because of this realization that I don’t even want her love anymore, because I was made for the love from Someone greater. Someone who will never let me down or break my heart. Someone who will bring me that joy and fulfillment I so desperately desire.

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.” ~ 1 John 3:1

We are children of God; we belong to him. That means this earth is not our home and the things here will never fulfill us simply because we aren’t home yet. The love we receive from God is the closest to home you can get. So as I love God more I come closer to my home.

 I hope if you're reading this and your heart has been broken, and you feel like you could never love again, please remember this: God WILL heal you. He promises this: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh”. - Ezekiel 36:26.

You see, we were made to love one another, yet still as long as we live there will always be a lacking. A lacking that will only be fulfilled when we finally come home to him and hear “those words”. “Well done my good and faithful child, I LOVE YOU”.


Photo Credits:

About the Author Mission TeamThe mission team is made up of writers within the HN team who serve for a time with our ministry to Awaken the World to the Power of God's Love. Through their efforts, their vision of making a world where no one suffers alone is an encouragement to many hurting people of all ages. 


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