Running Life's Race: The Twisted Road of Anxiety HN Blog
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Running Life's Race: The Twisted Road of Anxiety

Running Life's Race: The Twisted Road of Anxiety

 
By:  Marian Cabrey March 5, 2021

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, things can change in an instant. Life is like a race, and we have to be able to run the race while overcoming the obstacles thrown at us. My race started at a young age, and right off the bat I was given one of my toughest obstacles.

Growing up, I was always anxious about something, most of the time I didn’t even know why. All I knew was that something was bothering me. I tried to explain it to my parents, but I could never find the right words to help them understand.

Around 6th grade, my parents started to realize that my anxiety was more serious than they thought. I began shutting everyone out, and I started eating less. I had started falling into depression. At the age of 12, I started seeing a psychiatrist and I was prescribed medication.

A few weeks after starting the medication, I told my mom, “Thank you for putting me on medication, I don’t feel like hurting myself anymore." My mom told me hearing that from a 12-year-old was one of the saddest things she’s ever heard.

Eventually, I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder. For years, I saw my anxiety as nothing other than a burden, something to despise or hate. Flash forward to high school, by this point, I was getting tired of running the race. It seemed as though my race was only getting more and more difficult to run, one obstacle after another.

Sophomore year, my race finally started to become easier, or so I thought. At the beginning of my sophomore year, I was able to walk my race instead of run, things seemed to be getting better.

After years of obstacles, I met a boy, and he made me happy. Just when I thought my race was finally starting to slow down, I was faced with my toughest obstacle yet. Let’s just say, things did not end well with that boy.

Because I had spent all of my time focusing on this boy, my grades were horrible and I was so determined to be with this boy that when it finally ended, I blamed myself for the relationship not working, I told myself I wasn’t good enough, and I blamed it on my anxiety.

This time my anxiety turned into depression. After everything that had happened, I felt hopeless. My grades were horrible, I had lost my first boyfriend, and my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I was fed up with my anxiety, and I was mad at God for putting me through all of this.

One night, I had enough, I didn’t want to live with anxiety anymore, I didn’t see the point in trying to fight it anymore. I was ready to quit my race. As I was in my room crying, contemplating taking my own life, I was saved.

Out of nowhere, I got a text from someone I hadn’t spoken to in weeks. I still remember exactly what it said “Hey Marian, I just wanted you to know that God loves you and he has a plan. I’m always here for you and I love you.”

I saw this as God’s way of saving me, telling me to keep running my race, that things would get better. After going on the Kairos retreat, and leading on K7, I learned that the race of life is never meant to be easy. Today, I now see my anxiety as a part of who I am; I embrace it. Looking back, if I had not encountered those obstacles in my race, I would not be who I am today.

If you suffer from any type of anxiety, I encourage you to embrace it, try to see it as a positive. God is using you in ways you could never even imagine. Always remember you are never alone. My anxiety is more than just a burden; it has helped me notice all the little things in life.

Anxiety has helped me appreciate everything and everyone. Now, I wake up every day, ready to run my race - not alone, but with God. After everything I’ve encountered, I learned that God was always right next to me, running the race with me. My proof of this is the text message I got that night sophomore year. It came at the perfect time from someone I was not expecting.

I know that my race is far from over, and there will be more obstacles ahead. Instead of being afraid and ashamed of what’s to come, I’m prepared to run my race. Don’t be afraid of running the race because what is at the finish line is worth the struggles of our race.

 

Photo Credits
https://unsplash.com/photos/O-wre3GZHFI
https://unsplash.com/photos/2smDZopBMso
https://unsplash.com/photos/eJ4ZAswgHiU
https://unsplash.com/photos/FgSyP02I0gw
https://unsplash.com/photos/uvUXaXFp4f0
https://unsplash.com/photos/e0eemDDjh2E



About the Author Marian Cabrey

I’m 20 years old. I’m currently working towards my AA degree and working to attend nursing school next year! (Fingers crossed) I hope to be a nurse in a children’s hospital, working with kids is something I’ve always enjoyed. I also would like to be an advocate for generalized anxiety disorder as well as all other anxiety disorders. Some of my favorite things to do are exercise, listen to music, anything outdoors, and being around family & friends. A fun fact about me: I’m 1 of 5 kids, we have 5 dogs and 3 cats! Yes, you read that right!



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