Jesus; The Best Big Brother AmazingNation,Depression,Faith,God,Hard as Nails,love,Struggle,Suffering,Trust, HN Blog
Hard as Nails Ministries
Jesus; The Best Big Brother

Jesus; The Best Big Brother

By:  Mission Team January 6, 2021
#AmazingNation, #Depression, #Faith, #God, #Hard as Nails, #love, #Struggle, #Suffering, #Trust

I have a lot of sisters, shouldn’t I be able to come to them with anything? I have big brothers, shouldn’t I feel safe and protected wherever I go? I have the kindest parents, I should always have someone to hold me when I’m sad right? Why was I so alone all the time?
The moment I was most alone was when I was sexually abused and molested in my home and I didn’t trust anyone enough to say anything about it. How is it that in a house full of people I would lie awake almost every night and cry myself to sleep without anyone asking what was hurting me? When I was 6 years old I was molested by a close family member, but no one knew. I never had confidence that my family would still love me if I told them what happened, and I thought they would blame me and tell me it was my own fault, turn against me, and take the other person’s side.


No one cares about me
They didn’t even need to tell me that; I believed it all on my own. For as long as I can remember, I convinced myself that I was the reason I was hurt so bad. I believed my body was only good for being used by other people, living expecting to be used and thrown away, and I let that ‘satisfy’ me. I locked my memories deep down and forced myself to be a happy kid. When I started dating in high school I was overcome with remembering all that had happened to me. I found a new loneliness, believing that I was there to make boys feel good about themselves, and if I couldn’t do that, then I wasn’t worth anything at all. I shut down and broke up with the boy I was with. I was so overwhelmed with letting myself be used and I didn’t want to keep going the way I was. I was drowning in my sorrow and all I wanted was to breathe again.


I need help
I started searching for anything to make my pain go away. Drinking worked fast, but it didn’t last and ended up making me feel worse about myself. Being with friends made me feel alone again, and spending time with my family made it unbearable. I went away to college, and I started to see how prayer was working in my friends’ lives, and I thought I would at least give it a shot. I was brought on a retreat with a friend and I was put in a small group of Hard as Nails Passion Formation. I was asked what I was struggling with, grateful for, and needed prayers for: I shared about how worthless my family had made me feel all my life and how I was never able to trust any of them, how I was grateful for the faith I grew up in, and that I needed prayers to help me love my family again.

I can’t tell you why I shared what I did that day, and even though I didn’t share all of my hurt, it was the first real step I can remember where God began to heal me. God gave me the missionary and Passion Formation to listen to me. I remember going back to school after and being restless, not because I was struggling so much, but because I had a taste of what freedom felt like and I wanted more. I joined a group on campus that would meet for prayer commitments throughout the week and I began to learn a prayer structure. I began to journal for the first time and spend hours in the chapel outside of Mass, and I started to find comfort in praying the rosary. I was so confused, I didn’t understand how these things that had been around my whole life were just now making a difference to me. I even went to confession and shared with the priest about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I felt peaceful after I walked out, because for the first time I admitted what happened to me, to Jesus.


My Brother is Christ!
I never liked to think about Jesus as my “friend”, and it was hard for me to imagine Him as a savior that cared about me personally. That day was the first time I saw Jesus as my brother. My whole life I pretty much hated my big brothers for not protecting me and abandoning me when I needed them most, but when I started to see Jesus as my brother, things began to change. Yes it's true that my brothers and whole family weren't there for me when I needed them. But now I could forgive them, because Jesus would rather die for me on a cross than see me hurt all by myself. When Jesus died, He was saying that He was in this with me, and that He was someone who understood what it was like to be beaten up, hurt, and then abandoned. Now I know that I will never be alone in my suffering, no matter what happens to me. I am so grateful that Jesus died for me, and no one in my life has ever shown their love for me by giving so much of themselves. Every day when I get up and go on with my day, it’s too easy to go back into my self-hate and think about all the things in my life that are hurting me, but that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I need to remember every day that I have a brother (Jesus) in my life who is always ready to help me and care for me when I think I’m alone. No one else is going to fill me up, and no one else will satisfy me. I was created for this relationship with Jesus, I won’t settle for anything less.


  Photo Credits:
"14 August 2014, Procession of the Precious Wood of the Life-giving Cross of Jesus Christ. Finish of the examination" by spbda is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0

About the Author Mission TeamThe mission team is made up of writers within the HN team who serve for a time with our ministry to Awaken the World to the Power of God's Love. Through their efforts, their vision of making a world where no one suffers alone is an encouragement to many hurting people of all ages. 


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