OCD & Scrupulosity: It Is Not a Curse HN Blog
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OCD & Scrupulosity: It Is Not a Curse

OCD & Scrupulosity: It Is Not a Curse

By:  Mission Team July 16, 2021

It was the summer of 2017 when I started to struggle big time with both OCD-like tendencies and scrupulosity. It started out as a small thing months ago, with something small here and there. But that July, everything changed and went down-hill, really fast. I became a HUGE germaphobe. It would take me hours to do something that could take a normal person 10 seconds to do. No exaggeration! It was rough.

I remember that first month. I really started to get in my head about it. Multiple times every day, I would struggle with being a germaphobe as well as being paranoid about if the oven was off or if the door was locked, etc. I would check things for 5-10 minutes, till I was crying because I just couldn’t stop. I was so scared that I would make a mistake and something terrible would happen. If the oven wasn’t off, it could cause a fire, or if the door wasn’t locked properly someone could get in. Or if I didn’t set my alarm clock properly, I wouldn’t be up on time and I would be late for work or Church.

I also began to struggle with scrupulosity very badly. I would go to Confession once or twice a week, but never received Holy Communion. I remember that the entire month of July, I didn’t receive Holy Communion once! I was afraid that everything I did was a mortal sin, but really I lacked the ability to discern and know for myself.

Then a lot of tension began in my life. I would be yelled at to hurry up. I would be questioned weekly because I didn’t receive Holy Communion. And I was even made fun of a little because of my struggles. I caused a lot of inconvenience for the people around me, but I didn’t know how to stop. I was ashamed of my problems. I tried to hide the fact that I struggled with being a germaphobe (which is hard to do around co-workers), especially since I was physically damaging my skin by the excessive hand-washing due to my fear of germs.

Consequently, I began to struggle with self-hatred. As I would be cleaning something I would get so upset that I couldn’t stop that I would tell myself that I hated myself. Soon, my life was consumed by my OCD-like tendencies, scrupulosity, and self-hatred. And this cycle has continued on and off ever since to this day. I saw my struggles as a burden and a problem. I saw myself as messed up and abnormal, especially when I started to see a counselor for the first time. I didn’t realize just how normal this stuff was. I just saw myself as different in a negative way.

As I continued to inconvenience people, I began to fear that they were judging me for my problems. I would also wish that I was not there and told myself that everything would be better without me.

In the fall of 2019, I began to live in a community of women. Living in community, there was no possible way that I could hide my struggles from them. I never spoke of them, but I knew that the women’s and men’s communities knew. In the morning, as I would run out of the house to the car, the last one out and late because of my OCD tendencies, I hated myself and told myself that things would be better off without me.

Yet, nobody ever yelled at me for it. This is my second year in community. Even though some of the people in the community with me have changed, nobody has ever yelled at me for being slow. They don’t make fun of me and they don’t say that I am a burden, even though I know that I inconvenience them.


OCD Tendencies and Scrupulosity are a GIFT!

I have also been told that my OCD tendencies and my scrupulosity are gifts. At first, I couldn’t see it. But now I realize the gift that I have been given.

I can offer up my OCD tendencies for others and their own suffering and accept the cross that I am being asked to bear. I can do the same with my scrupulosity and self-hatred. I can also be there for others who are going through the same thing.

It’s not a curse! It never has been! It has been a way that God has used to show me that I am not my problems and that even if I inconvenience others, I am still worth something. God has used these struggles to show me that I am more than my struggles. My community has loved me through it and has not cared about the physical damage I have done to myself. It doesn’t stop them from caring for me. They have loved me through my struggles and have had sooooooo much patience with me. God has used them to help me see that I am worth more than my struggles and that I am not a problem, even if I have problems. I am a Daughter of God!

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About the Author Mission TeamThe mission team is made up of writers within the HN team who serve for a time with our ministry to Awaken the World to the Power of God's Love. Through their efforts, their vision of making a world where no one suffers alone is an encouragement to many hurting people of all ages. 


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