Cicero once said, “Confidence is that feeling by which the mind embarks in great and honorable courses with a sure hope and trust in itself.” I cannot begin to express how wrong this view of confidence is. Confidence has always been something that I really struggled with, and affected me because I allowed myself to get caught up in matching the world’s standards. What I didn’t know was that those standards are unattainable. Not being able to grasp that understanding, I got hurt by my own thoughts.
One way that this happened was by my dissatisfaction with my body image. I started to believe the lies that the world projected. Am I pretty enough? Will anyone ever really love me? These are some of the questions that I asked myself because I didn’t believe that I was made beautiful. As these thoughts swirled around in my head, I gave into the mindset that I was unloved. How could someone love me when they saw what I was seeing in the mirror?
Another factor that contributed to my lack of confidence was how I thought I was being perceived by others. Does my body language reflect who I want to be seen as? I felt very judged by everything I did. Even if I just was sitting in a chair, how do they see me from behind? I didn’t understand why they saw my every move. The truth is, people don’t notice that, I would just overthink it.
Lastly, I was insecure about my social skills in my speech. This struggle developed in my later high school years. I started focusing on the words I would say and how I would present them to my friends and others. I often hated the way I would say things after they came out. This turned into something where I would start rehearsing what I would say in my head. I still do it, and I do it a million times before I say it. It has become an obsession that is very difficult to break.
God healed me
Through this wound that I created myself, I now realize that there was purpose to this pain. I was able to dig this hurt out of me and see that Christ was healing me through the hard times. Looking back, I went through many uncomfortable situations because I wasn’t confident. The truth is, I searched for confidence in the world instead of seeking it in God. I was so focused on pleasing others that I didn’t even know that I already had the Father’s approval.
Because of my lack of confidence and courage, I hated public speaking. I remember sitting in my speech class, about to go up, repeating Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” After the speech, I felt so discouraged because I wasn’t satisfied with my presentation. I now see that God did really hear my prayer. I wouldn’t be in the place I am now if He didn’t work through what I struggled with. He was with me in the times that I forgot about Him, the times that I didn’t feel Him, the times that I didn’t think He was there. My Father carried me silently.
I relied on how I felt instead of the truth. I had to place my confidence in Christ, in my faith. The struggle was the hardest when I let the world, my peers, and imaginations define my worth. It took me a long time to truly understand this, in fact, I am still growing. I am amazed how God has put me in the place that I am now. By the power of prayer and being able to trust my Father, I have made decisions that would have been affected by my lack of confidence in the world.
It wasn’t one moment when I found this. It was a process of living and growing my faith in God. Healing takes time, most things don’t happen overnight. I am still learning this, I am not perfect. But, I want to grow. It takes a desire to turn away from these lies, and they can be really hard to let go. I want to continue to grow in this urge to deny what I want and feel in the world.
**From this point forward, I want to grow in finding my confidence in Christ. I have more work to do, but I see the good that comes out of letting go of trying to please the world. I’ve been able to start seeing my true worth in my Creator. I realize that He is the only one who makes me understand who I really am. This starts by really praying for God’s grace to desire change in what I put my confidence in. By lifting it into God’s hands, I can switch my mindset and my goal in life. The goal is Heaven: total happiness with the Father. By finding my confidence in the world, am I approaching my goal?
I am grateful for my knowledge of being able to understand that the lies don’t define me. They are just things on which I based my life; they are not my life. I see that Christ offers hope and healing in all that He is, and that is my desire. Why keep dragging myself down when I can be free through Him who saves me? It is always a battle to fight these thoughts, but, knowing that my Father is already running to comfort his daughter gives me hope.
I am also really thankful for my best friend. She challenged me to get out of my comfort zone over and over. Most of the time I hesitated and eventually rejected her invitations. Yet, she never gave up on me, even when I was difficult towards her about what I was willing to do. It impacted me even when I said no to her. Now, I’ve done some things that I could have never done without the grace of God, and I see the fruit of it in my life now.
Beautiful things happen when I place my confidence in Christ. Truth is, I still struggle, but when I give it to my Father, I know He will work within me. I invite you to let Him in and be your ultimate goal in life. If finding confidence in the world leads to suffering, maybe Cicero does speak lies.
Photo Credits:
"Evie looking in the mirror" by Ambernectar 13 is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0
"Kristen Confident" by cobalt123 is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0
"Best Friends Forever" by wickenden is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0
"- Insecurity" by Juliana Coutinho is licensed under CC BY 2.0